What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:58
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Is it okay for a wife who comes home from a date to tell her husband what she did?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Is it okay for my husband to help other ladies without telling me?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Are there girls here who like group sex?
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What isइस संसार में पहले भागवान आया की इंसान?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why does Boko Haram attack its own Muslims?
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i do to all so called friends.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I write beautiful poetry .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
Ive learnt so much.
I couldn’t, believe it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She married twice! .
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Comes on , in middle age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why did i forgive my father ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But ive been too sick for many years..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Would this be the day?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
But it wasn’t much.
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My life is so biszare .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was in good health!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I said to her
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I will be 64.